BetterThanEzzie's Void

I'm sitting in my bed with the biggest migraine of my life and it's foggy outside and I'm just thinking about how much of the world is moving right now while I'm in this room. Everything is always moving and I'm just trying to keep in step with it. My head ouchie bigtime though, I'm drinking a Coke and hoping it will work because my mommy said I can't have more medicine because of my liver and stuff. I guess that is fair. :( Trying not to get too angsty because I always feel a little bit silly when I do but sometimes it is hard to help! I can't wait until I go to college and hopefully meet people who match my freak, rn it sorta feels like my freak is unmatchable. We shall see, or something. My head still really ouchies, I should probably not be looking at a screen rn but I'm so BOREEDDDD.

I saw a ladybug on the inside of a window on the bus earlier this week. The whole ride I just felt the overwhelming urge to look, to know, to see, my whole self focused on the small creature that seemed to be swallowed by the windowpane around her. Something about it felt poetic, even if I couldn't quite grasp it. She was almost in the exact center of the window. Artistic in her display, but entirely alone. The clear glass around her seemed to stretch for miles, the outside so far but so close. She wasn't in the right place at all. If only she would turn around. I silently begged her to turn, to see the open door. She never did, she was completely still and quiet in her contemplation. I wonder if the ladybug ever thought she was an Asian Ladybeetle? Maybe she was, I was on the opposite side of the bus. Does she know? Is there one world in which she belongs? I guess it doesn't matter now, she's in the window. The ladybug and I, both looking out into the light as the world changes and shifts around us. Will the ladybug ever venture back into the darkness of the bus and claim her escape, just on the other side? Or will she just stay by that window, watching? Can I stop watching, or will I be in that seat forever?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm cringe. Probably am, don't care. I recently added my website to instagram, we'll see if people actually look at it! If you are from my instagram... hello... I overshare here sometimes, what can ya do? I'm probably going to be posting here like way more than instagram or anywhere else! I just no no wanna other places. Changing topic now! I'm still working on college stuff which... sucks... so... yeah. Still have to force my parents to do the FAFSA and then I also have to work out documents and scholarship applications and APPLICATION applications. 0/10 experience, truly. I keep putting stuff off but... deadline for early decision is November 1st so... gotta get my stuff together. Anyway, I hope folks appreciate my little music playlist :3 that's basically all I have to say today I'm busy pondering. Bye Chat!

Colorado was FANTASTIC and now I'm staying the night at a friend's house for homecoming! Downloading Honkai Star Rail so that we can play together and stuff, SUPER excited. I think I have a test tomorrow but I'm definitely prepared >:) life is pretty great I'm ngl. I just wish my friends were coming to the same college as me, everything feels like a last thing and I long for more time with people. In December I'll know if I get into my dream school or not and once I graduate my life is going to be completely different. What a time to be alive.

Just finished packing for my trip to Colorado. It's my first ever time on a plane, but hopefully not the last! Most of my post-grad plans are going to require me to be on planes regularly (or at least semi-regularly) big days are coming for sure. I transferred my friend's mixed CD they made for me onto my flip phone, so hopefully I can listen to it on the plane LOL. The trip is only an hour, and I think I have the middle seat, but it's still AWESOME. I've always been a bit fascinated by planes and I think we the fact we can literally FLY now is seriously overlooked in modern society. Maybe that's just because I've never flown. I kinda want to watch The Wind Rises to celebrate but it's already late and I need to rest if I'm going to be keeping up with the Yom Kippur fast all day tomorrow. I think fasting for the first time ever on a school trip while travelling is kinda sorta a bad idea though so I'm going to try my best but uuhhh... might have to be a bad Jew. Anyways, I've procrastinated sleeping enough, goodnight chat!

Feeling much better today! I got into the University of Alaska at Fairbanks and keeping that in mind really keeps me feeling good, because at the very least I won't be stuck in Arkansas once I graduate, and Alaska has been a reoccuring dream of mine. I used to want to be a pilot that would deliver goods to people in rural Alaska (which would still be really cool!) but I never really considered that idea to be realistic, it might be! Other than that, I've been organizing my laptop and making my digital home cleaner and more pretty. Switched everything to light mode, surprisingly helped! I still have my reading website and coding websites set to dark mode because I think it's easier on the eyes, but light mode is kinda refreshing. I don't think I've ever been on the internet during a time where light mode was standard or more popular. I recently admitted that my mom was right and I was wrong (huge for me) but we both were a little wrong and a little right (which is often the case.) Me and her have gotten into many arguments about the politics of the youngins nowadays, and she always cited this one poll (the Yale Youth Poll) as being proof that young people were conservative. I'll be honest, I formed my opinion without ever reading the poll, I saw the article she was referring to and decided that they were overblowing results to make things appear worse than they are. When, months later, I decided to actually follow up and read the poll she kept referencing I realized that we were both correct. That article (and the many that came with the results of that poll) were dramatically overblowing results and declared them an indication of a future crisis of Uber-Republican young people. The actual results DID show that the people polled in the age group of 18-24 were Republican leaning, which I did not expect and argued against with my mom. However, the overall sample size was ~4,000 with ~2,000 being people under the age of 30. Now, this IS a reasonable sample size, but when we divide that even FURTHER down to just the people ages 18-24, there is some more question. Especially since the YYP did not disclose the sample size of people 18-24. In other words, my mom was correct, there IS data that shows that young people, specifically men, are becoming more conservative. HOWEVER, that data is not concrete, and it's incredibly early to be making assumptions on an entire generation's voting habits before a significant portion of them are even allowed to vote. All that to say, keep your mind open! It was ignorant of me to assume that the articles were coming up with a fake issue and it was ignorant of my mom to take one poll and apply it to an entire generation's political compass. This happens constantly, a study will be done and some of the data is particularly concerning or damning and people in media jobs that are incentivized to make things appear worse/better than they are will present that data in a dishonest way. This does not mean that that data doesn't EXIST, it often does, and that data CAN give us valuable information about issues. It is also true that the way its presented probably isn't true either, and that the data is often less bad or less good than the media makes it appear. Misinformation and disinformation is RAMPANT and you have to be an active participant to actually understand what is happening in politics today.

I'm mad for like 0 reason today. Overstimulated. TIRED. DONE. UGH. People are pmo without even meaning to pmo, if someone could just put me into a room with no light or sound (except for my spotify I love her) and leave me alone there for approxamately 3 days I believe I'd be chill again. Unfortunately I'm stuck in a building full of loud people who love to assume things with bright overhead lights. Also constant announcements, because we REALLY need to know it's homecoming week. Daniel Tiger is helping. Take a deep breath and count to 4 chat.

I know this makes no sense but rain makes me feel mature, something about it just makes me think of a future in an apartment cooking a good meal for myself. I'd probably be listening to a CD or a vinyl too... now I sound pretentious. Whatever. I'm so close to making my dreams a reality, I know that my apartment won't be as cute as the one I picture, and the food won't be as good, and the lighting won't be as warm, but I still long for it a little bit. I'm applying ED to a brand new dream school, and even though I'm trying not to get my hopes up because of their acceptance rate, it's really hard not to imagine what a life would look like there. No matter where I end up I'm just excited to make a life for myself, independance is something I want more than anything else.

I have HEAVILY updated the site recently... praying to the coding gods that nothing breaks as a result, but we shall see. It's been super rainy where I live and I am so happy about it, maybe Summer is FINALLY over. I don't know where I am ending up after highschool is over, but it better be somewhere cold. I'm ready for the Happy Holidays season!!! :( Update: Today SUCKS, but my dad and I looked through my direct admission offers and that made me feel way better.

I watched the new Pixar movie Elio with my family tonight. It is impossible to describe with words how adorable, amazing, just FANTASTIC that movie is. It's like the people who made it reached into my childhood and picked apart my mind to create the perfect movie that would speak to me in the most deep way. Idk how they did it. It may be my new favorite movie, I AM NOT JOKING. All those Christmas presents that ended up being telescopes or books about astrophysics, my obsession with the University of Chicago and their physics program, all of it. Space means so much to me and I don't think I would ever be the same without it. I know it probably will not happen, but I hope that one day I can visit space. Thank you Disney & Pixar, Y'all are the best.

Chat. Ts is rough. No cap. College essays and actual COLLEGE tests are kinda getting to me atp. I could go to Harvard for free or I could suck and never go anywhere ever. Thats life... or something. I just wish I could skip to the part where I know whats happening (or have a general idea) because the wait is KILLING ME. December can't come soon enough (but also can it never come because if it's bad I don't wanna know.)

WOAH. Senior year has been awesome (and full of fun stories!) and it's only been like... 2 weeks. I'm a proper university student now too! :DDDDDD So much can change in so little time, lowkey hated my life a month ago, just goes to show that you should ALWAYS keep going. So much is happening right now, I get so anxious thinking about college admissions. DX I will survive though. I'm STILL working on the gallery, but progress is kinda slow when I have so much more going on rn. SAT THIS WEEKEND. AHHHH. Wish me luck...

The gallery is coming along, and I'm learning new principles of HTML in the process. I have big plans... hopefully by the time I'm done you will be able to click through the images and have a small description with them, instead of them all being stuck on the same page. We'll see how it goes! I have school tomorrow, so wish me luck! First year of college (technically), last year of highschool. Talk about new era and all that LOL. T_T College classes don't start till next week, so I have a pretty chill week this week. :)

Had a bit of a break, but I'm back now! School starts supa soon so I've been cleaning my room a bunch. Next idea on the list for this website is to create a review page so that I can post my reviews on random movies, songs, shows, or whatever. Idk if anyone will care about that but I think it'll be a bit of fun for me :) Might start up a photography page once I start up the school year again and have more time to take pictures and stuff like that. (More time cause I'll actually be out of the house LOL)

I've been listening to "Anthems For A Seventeen Year Old Girl" a lot recently and its been making me happy. That's all.

I just got back from a trip to my grandparent's house, it was awesomesauce dude. Now I'm trying to figure out new pages I can make for this website and if I want to try to join a few keyrings potentially. We shall see. I learn more every day that I work on this and I'm super proud of the work I've done so far. Unfortunately school starts back up very soon, so I probably won't have as much time to work on it in the near future. FEAR NOT though, weekends exist for a reason (the reason being to do homework LOL.) Lucky for me though, I'll have every other Friday off this school year due to my half and half high school and college schedule.

Today is my second day working on this website! So far I have learned how to embed a lot of stuff, how to move images, how to make images clickable, and much more. I feel this project will be the gift that keeps on giving when it comes to learning and keeping my brain active! I wonder if anyone will actually visit this place...if you see this type Lovely lovely hamsters into the guestbook! :3

Hello World! First blog post on this site! I have no direction in life and I'm looking at a project to take up my time and make me feel smart again. I fell in love with programming in middle school and engaged with it heavily in class and looked to know as much as I could and troubleshooted for hours even if the results I got out of it were mediocre at best. Now, I hardly remember anything, and it's harder for me to put in that kinda effort. Thus, this blog! I've used a template (obviously) but I hope that I can make this website my digital home in the near future.